How to have Crucial Conversations
People often ask me whether being a mediator means I never experience conflict in my own life. I wish! The truth is, we all have different opinions, views, and ways of responding to situations. I know how hard it can be when conversations are strained, people are icy and you can feel the tension in the room.
I recently read Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler. It is a really helpful guide on how to handle those tough conversations. They suggest looking for mutuality. In moments of disagreement our instinct is to protect our own viewpoint. If we are able to consider what the other persons needs might be too it helps us move towards one another. The best outcomes often come when both perspectives are woven into the solution.
It also explains how important it is to feel physiologically safe. When people feel safe they are less likely to withdraw or attack two vices that make it hard to progress with a conversation.
The Keys from Crucial Conversations to make a conversation safe:
When a conversation starts to feel heated or defensive, stop debating the issue itself and address the lack of safety first. You can’t solve the problem until both people feel heard and respected. The best way to do that is with Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose.
To stop things spiralling:
Apologise– An apology clears the air and shows a desire to really move things forward.
Contrast – Clarify what you don’t mean with what you do mean. For example,
“I don’t want to…. The last thing I wanted was to communicate that I don’t value the work you put in.”
“I do want to…..I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.”
MUTUAL RESPECT
This is something I have written about before. Seems small yet essential. Someone said to me that respect is like oxygen. You don’t necessarily acknowledge it is there but when it is gone you cannot miss it. Respect creates the safety we need for healthy dialogue.
MUTUAL PURPOSE (CRIB)
C- Commit
Commit to finding a mutual purpose. For example, ”it seems like we are both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies us both”.
R – Recognise
Recognise the Purpose behind why someone is saying what they are saying. Why do they want or feel something.
I- Invent
Invent a mutual purpose. Sometimes you want the same thing but other times you have to find ways to draw your different purposes together. For example, you may not agree on the specific goal of someone else but you would agree to a larger goal that would encompass both. For example, you could disagree on whether one of you takes a job but agree on the importance of prioritising the children first.
Brainstorm
Brainstorm new strategies for how you can work together to come up with ideas of a solution.
I love helping people navigate these challenging conversations as individuals, groups or teams. When approached with respect, curiosity, and a willingness to find common ground, even the hardest discussions can become build stronger, more positive relationships.