Are You an Illuminator?
I recently read How to Know a Person by David Brooks. The subtitle is The Art of Seeing Others and Being Deeply Seen. While Brooks offers useful tools for handling difficult conversations, helpful in conflict resolution, the most impactful idea for me was his description of people being either Diminishers and Illuminators.
Illuminators, Brooks writes, are people who “shine the brightness of their care on others, making them feel bigger, deeper, respected, and lit up.”
Diminishers, on the other hand, make others feel small and unseen.
One common diminishing habit Brooks highlights is “topping”. When someone shares something about themselves and you feel compelled to one-up them. For example: if they say they have six aunts, you counter with seven; if they mention waking up at 6 am, you jump in with your 5:30 wake-up time. These little moves may seem harmless, but they shrink others instead of honouring their story.
Brooks describes the work of therapist and author Mary Pipher. Early in her career, she tried to understand people by asking how others treated them. Over time, she shifted to asking:
“How do you treat others? How do you make them feel?”
In conflict, it changes everything, when people can see their impact on others and our willing to have some self reflection.
Hard Conversations
Micah Goodman from Hebrew University says:
“A great conversation is between two people who think the other is wrong.
A bad conversation is between two people who think something is wrong with you.”
Brooks offers several practices to help us navigate hard conversations more wisely:
Think about each other’s context.
Brooks says “Remember that the person who is lower in any power structure than you are, has a greater awareness of the situation than you do” For example, Brooks describes meeting a trucker at a luxury hotel conference. Rather than glossing over their different worlds, he tried to show genuine interest in the trucker’s life, helping him feel he could show up as his full self.
Recognise two layers of every conversation.
There’s the official conversation (the words spoken) and the actual conversation (the emotions, tone, and signals of respect or disrespect).
Offer respect.
Brooks says respect is like air. When it’s there, no one notices; when it’s gone, it’s all anyone can think about.
Step back and ask, “How did we get here?”
When things start of escalate, ask each other what has got you to this place.
Use splitting.
Separate what your motives are from what they are not. For example, if someone feels silenced by you, you might say:
“I wasn’t trying to silence you. I was trying to include your perspective among others, but I rushed. I should have paused to hear you fully first. That was not respectful to you.”
Identify mutual purpose.
You may see things from a different angle while still sharing the same ultimate goal.
See rupture as opportunity.
A tense or broken moment can be a chance to deepen trust and strengthen the relationship.
Are you an Illuminator?
I find this a challenge for every relationship as well as in conflict. How to I make the other feel, how is my interaction affecting them? Do people feel bigger, brighter, and more fully seen? Or do they feel smaller, less visible, and dismissed?
If you need help with any of your relationships feel free to get in touch to see if I can help – info@becsdhillon.com