Navigate life’s tensions with strategies.
People who love peace must learn to organise themselves as well as those who love war
– Martin Luther King
Sometimes we need to put work in to resolve disputes. It is easy to get into a cycle where we believe that certain actions are intentionally directed against us with a sinister motive. If we can understand the cycle we are in hopefully we can deconstruct the conflict and identify the triggers and assumptions that are leading to it.
I recently resolved a case where it had escalated to frequent police intervention. The reason it had started with a football over the fence.
We interpret the actions of others. We read motive or intent into actions that reinforce that interpretation. The football over the fence is seen as a deliberate attempt to intimidate the tone of the email is read as passive aggressive and a simple inquiry about well-being is interpreted as doubting our abilities. Everything that happens fits into the narrative and assumption we create of the person we are fighting with.
The (Not so) Merry Go-Round of Conflict diagram by Conflict Management Coach Connie Noble reflects the pattern and cycle people get into during a conflict.
The Merry Go Round Explained:
Precipitating Interaction
This is the interaction that lays the seeds for the conflict the moment something feels “off” for you.
Trigger Point
This is the key factor in the initiating event that causes the negativity. It can be a lack of respect a perceived threat or an undervaluing of work.
Impact
In the early simmering of a conflict this is the internal negative emotional impact.
Assumptions
This is where the narrative is created and where the actions are given an interpretation. The motive of the other party is assumed.
Boundary
This is where you feel the line has been crossed. It is no longer internal thoughts or upset but an external event has overstepped the boundary.
External Reaction
This is the moment of responding to that crossed boundary the response to feeling provoked.
Consequences
Once triggered this cycle can continue endlessly with each action being seen to provoke the other.
Getting off The (Not so) Merry Go Round
At some point we have to stop and look at where it started and ask:
- What triggered the merry go round?
- What assumptions are being made about the intentions or motives behind the others actions?
To know more about this model read Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model by Cinnie Noble.