Honest without Being Obnoxious, how to communicate well in conflict.

Radical Candour

How to be honest without being obnoxious.

I have recently read the book Radical Candor by Kim Scott (and for the spelling bees among you—I had to add the “u” in the title, but the author is American, so she spells it without one).

I found it really helpful on how to handle conflict and give feedback both at work and at home.

At the heart of the book is a simple but powerful idea:
The best feedback comes when you both care personally and challenge directly.

Scott uses this four quadrants framework to describe different feedback styles.

The four categories:

1. Radical Candor: When you Care Personally + Challenge Directly (the goal)
2. Ruinous Empathy: When you Care Personally but don’t Challenge
3. Obnoxious Aggression: When you Challenge Directly but don’t Care
4. Manipulative Insincerity: When you Neither Care nor Challenge

Scott stresses the need to build relationships with team members and those being managed but that it must be alongside direct, clear and honest challenge.

Care Personally

“At the very heart of being a good boss…is a good relationship”

The book explains that without genuine care, feedback can come off as harsh or even aggressive. It’s the care that builds trust, making it more likely your feedback will land well.

Challenge Directly

“You can draw a straight line from lack of guidance to a dysfunctional team that gets poor results”

Scott says you must explicitly describe what was good and what was bad. Not in a personal way but focusing on the behaviour of what did or did not do go well.

She describes the 3 responsibilities for a manager:

1) Create a culture of guidance (praise and criticism) that will keep everyone moving in the right direction;

2) Understand what motivates each person on your team well enough to avoid burnout or boredom and keep the team cohesive; and

3) Drive results collaboratively not through ‘command and control’.

To Give Criticism You Must Be Open To Receive It

Scott says  “it is never enough to simply acknowledge the other person’s feelings – that invariably feels passive aggressive and insincere”

• Find something in the criticism you can agree with. Signal you’re open to criticism.
• Check for Understanding – repeat what you heard back to the person to make sure you got it.
• Let them know you want to think about what they said. Find a time to discuss the feedback.

There is so much more in the book, hopefully this gives you a helpful overview. For more, either buy the book or get in touch I’d be happy to discuss it further.