Whether by geography or through technology, when we are not face to face, there is an element of distance which can lead to misinterpretations.
Years ago a friend said to me “distance causes distortion”. At the time I wasn’t a mediator but I remember thinking how helpful that was for so many relationships. Now I am even more aware of how relevant it is. When we don’t see someone for a while, we can start imagining distortions in our relationships.
This can happen with the colleague we only communicate with online, the friend who moves away or the family member who hasn’t replied to our texts. With the use of technology we are often communicating with people at a distance through a device and from a geographically distance. Anyone who has been in a long distance relationship knows the challenges this causes. Distance creates a vacuum that our minds so easily fills with assumptions and misinterpretations.
It is easy to read tone into messages. Even the speed of response can affect how we perceive it. Did they not reply because they were annoyed? Did they reply so quickly because they are angry and replying in anger? When we are face to face it is easier to see how someone means something (even if that too gets misinterpreted).
I have recently experienced distortion from my own communication. For some reason my phone often automatically changes “do” to “so”. Someone got in touch to ask about my bike (I have a cargo bike I used to take my kids around). Because my phone keeps making these autocorrects, my message sent as “So you want to borrow it?”. What I intended as a kind offer, “Do you want to borrow it?”, sounded like I was annoyed and accusatory towards them. It’s a small error that can distort the conversation. Luckily I saw the mistake and was able to clear up any misunderstandings. It reminded me how easily messages can be misread.
In every mediation I do, communication has broken down. Sometimes its the distance that creates the problem. I was recently supporting colleagues who work online and from different countries. Misunderstandings and frustrations arose so quickly. I encouraged them to sit down and talk about their individual roles and what they needed from each other. Being in the same space, talking face to face and having the ability to clear up misunderstandings reset their working relationship.
If you are receiving emails, texts, whatsapps, DMs and there is something that feels off, ask yourself first, “is distance causing the distortion?” If you are unsure what a message is saying, just ask: “Did you mean (and repeat back what you are not sure about)?”. It is an easy way to clear up a misunderstanding before they escalate or need someone like me to come in to resolve it.